Still Single and Pushing (Almost) Thirty

Indecent Proposal

I've always imagined the day I get proposed to as one filled with romance. (We're entitled to at least two fairytale moments in life, am I right?) 

I've pictured my man popping the question,the one I've waited for practically all of my life (not counting my infant and toddler years, naturally), in front of a crowded restaurant, during a quiet night at home, and even in front of family.  Each time, I've imagined my response:

I cup my hands over my mouth as tears of joy cascade down my well made-up face; words escape me momentarily. Finally, speech returns and I scream, "YES! YES! YES! OF COURSE I'LL MARRY YOU!" Then, I throw myself into his arms and plant the biggest kiss on him as possible.  Then, I rush to the phone to call my parents and his (unless we are in the family scenario) and I spend the next few weeks flashing my ring to anyone who'll listen. (And...scene!)

Now, however, I've come to envision a different reaction to the proposal...one that is crafted by fear:

I imagine my "pre-fiance" will get on one knee, look up at me with love in his eyes, open up the ring box and ask, "Will you marry me?" But, I will not leap to my feet with sheer excitement. No, no.  I have to be sure this is what he wants.  Instead of answering him, he'll have to answer me first. "Are you sure you wanna do this?" "Are you certain that you want to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with ONLY me?!" "'Cause, uh, if not..."

It's not that I necessarily want to ruin the big moment, but that's just something I have to know (along with, "Are you gay or on the down-low?" and "Are you positive that that bump on your *ahem* isn't something to be concerned about?") because apparently a proposal doesn't always mean the man is ready, as I have (unfortunately) learned from a few of my married male friends. 

One says, "I think I'm gonna get a divorce.  I didn't want to marry her in the first place. I did it to keep her."

Another, "I felt forced into it."

And still another, "The Church pressured me to do it.  We had a kid together."

This, to me, is terrifying!  I mean, I'm single right now (duh), but marriage and children are things I want as a part of my life.  But, I in no way want some man to feel like I forced him into marriage and that there are lines in the sand where I dragged him to the altar.

Seriously? When will men grow up and take responsibility for their own choices?  (Can anyone answer that?)

Do any of you know any victims of this vicious ruse?

* There is a small ray of hope: one of my friends said he is happily married, even though he felt pressured. (But, still.)

"I Love You Long Time." No Thanks, Really. I'm Good.

Photo Credit:©iStockphoto.com/BookMama

So, I decided to take some advice from some of my readers and Twitter followers, and ditch my passive-aggressive ways, at least this one time...this is a special case.

Yet, the travesty that is my "Wal-Mart Stalker" continues as we speak...literally.  Here are the text messages that I've sent/received from him in the last 5 minutes (after the 3 ignored phone calls just 10 minutes before) since I decided to end it (or so I thought) by telling him to leave me alone.

Baba*: "I have anythin wrong? please i want to go out with u. Thinkin of u. Baba.*"

Me: "I'm not interested.  Please stop calling and texting me. Thank u."

Baba*: "I do like u from the buttom of my heart.  I promise u wil be treated soo special like a queen.  I have much love instore 4 u only."

Me: "I don't answer and don't call back because I am not interested. Please understand."

Can I just say something? (First of all, all misspellings and grammatical errors are quoted verbatim...just so you know.)  But seriously, Baba*, I'm sure you're a nice guy, but when I say I'm not interested, that does NOT mean keep trying! It means STOP! RIGHT! NOW! 

And...that's a bit scary.  I only met you for like 10 minutes max and you "like me from the 'buttom' of your heart" and "have much love instore 4 me only"? I don't know you!!!! I don't want to know you!!! (See...now I sound mean. But really, this guy has been irking me for almost 2 weeks!)

Now, back to the texting session...or the end thereof?

Silence. 

Is it over? Is it really over?

Oh no. Red LED light blinking on my Blackberry.  My heart just literally skipped a beat...could he possibly have something else to say?

Please no. Please no. Please no. Please no. (I'm actually whispering this to myself as we speak...errr, uh, as I type.)

Whew! Just a Facebook notification.

Being Single Sucks...Don't Lie...You Know It Does

I hate it when happy couples tell me things like, "You do NOT want to be in a relationship.  It's too much drama and headache." or "Be glad you're single, you can do whatever you want all the time.  I wish I was single again..."

Seriously?

Then why the hell are you always with each other? You don't seem too unhappy.  Besides, I don't really care...I know what I want and if you don't want what you have, get out of it, give it to me (if he's fine)... or just shut up.  When I come to you, do NOT patronize me!  Do NOT feed me that crap, because you know that's what it is.  If being in a relationship was such an abomination, no one would do it...ever!

Do you know what IS an abomination, however?  My experience with online dating. 

I'm not a fan of it (neither the book nor online dating), but I bought this book called, How to Get a Date Worth Keeping, by Dr. Henry Cloud (it was recommended to me...don't ask)and he suggests to "get over the stigma and join a service."  So, I did...thinking I was being the bigger person and that it would allow me to meet more people since I seem to be too busy to meet anyone in "real life". What I learned from this, though, is that I'm just able to meet more losers in a shorter time span than ever before.  You see, before the online dating thing, I'd meet maybe one loser a year...now, thanks to match.com, I've met two losers in two weeks!

About an hour ago, I was on the phone...for the first time...with loser number 2.  This guy (who by the way is named after a state, I won't tell you which one...go ahead pick any state...it doesn't really matter, he's a loser all the same)  sounds like a stereotypical arrogant nerd...the ones who speak almost too properly, Carlton-like, but worse.  He proceeds to attempt to start a conversation by asking me about the weather...literally!!!! That is so cliche, and he didn't even do a good job at it.  He says, "Have you enjoyed the weather today?"  I'm thinking to myself, "When?  When I saw it pouring down rain from my classroom window, or when I was standing out in the pouring rain doing parking lot duty because I accidentally left my umbrellas in my car?"  Then, he remembers it was raining and proceeds to ask if I washed my car, explaining that he always has bad luck and seems to wash his car right before it rains and blah blah blah...

Next subject: The Movies.

Then, he began firing questions at me like he was making marks on some mental checklist: (Which would soon be revealed to be an actual checklist.)

 1) How often do you go to the movies? (Check)

2) Do you buy popcorn or do you sneak food in? (Check)

3) Do you put butter or salt on your popcorn? (Check)

4) Do you like to sit in the front where your neck hurts, the middle, or in the very back so we can make out? (Check) (Really? Did you really just ask me that?)

Yes! These are direct quotes from (insert state name here). He concludes his questioning with, "I've tallied up your score and it seems as though you're not going to stab me."  If you only knew...

He ended the movie discussion with an ever so romantic gesture: "I'm just going to let you know up front.  If it's for a chick-flick, I won't pay for it..."

He went on to say even more ridiculous, crass, unimportant things, but I zoned out and praised God when I got a call on the other line. 

You wish you were single again, huh?

Doubt it.

Do any of you have any humorous dating experiences to share? I'd love to hear them!