Still Single and Pushing (Almost) Thirty

A Lesson Before Asking...

...me out on a date, to be my Facebook friend, for my number, etc.

If I...

...stand or sit as far away from you as possible, I don't like you.  (Seriously, if I'm posted up on the other, other side of a bench that you're sitting on, so much so that I'm practically sitting on the arm of said bench, please, get the hint. I'm not interested.)

...refuse to engage you in conversation and simply reply to you with "yes" or "no", I don't like you. (Being curt, rolling my eyes, and turning my back to you is not code for "I want your sexy body." It's really not much of a "code" at all. It clearly means, "I'm done talking so you should be too.")

...tell you I have a boyfriend...because you obviously won't take "no" for an answer when I come right out and say it...I don't like you. (I'm lying to you. Women don't tend to lie to men they actually may want in their life.)

...don't notice you before you notice me, I don't like you. (Oh, I noticed you all right, with your obnoxious horn honking, arm waving, and hollering...'nuff said.)

...make the mistake of giving you my number, but never call, return your calls or texts, and/or tell you to stop calling me, I don't like you. (Get the damn hint!)

...order a three-onion burger on our first date (because I took my mom's advice and gave you a chance) and refuse any gum or mints afterwards, I don't like you.  (At some point during the date, you turned me off, so I'm returning the favor.)

Take note of these signs. They're not accidents.  I'm sending you a message and I'm gonna need you to get the hint.  Save us all some trouble.

Hope is for the Lucky and the Delusional

Remember last month when I mentioned reading the Essence articles, 10 Places ot Meet Black Men and The  Fabulous Single Girl's Summer Dating Guide?

Well, true to my word, I have followed some of their advice just to see if any of it would actually pay off.  If there's really any validity to this thing called "hope" (which I've been grappling with, struggling to keep hold of lately).

Let's review.  In the first article, 10 Places, Charreah Jackson and Niema Jordan suggest the following places to meet men:

1. A home-improvement class
2. A volunteer organization
3. A little league game
4. A gym
5. A strip club (you can read the article for their reasoning on this...I don't get it either.)
6. A political campaign
7. A wedding
8. An art museum
9. A summer festival
10. A bookstore

As of now, I've taken my hopeful tail on fieldtrips to numbers 4 (kinda...I went on a tour of the gym, but it just costs too much to join), 7 and 10.  ( In fact, I've gone to the bookstore countless times, and have spent hours there each time...but nothing happens.  No man comes to inquire about the book I'm reading, or what kind of frappuchino I'm drinking, or even to tell me how good I look in my new strapless top and skinny jeans from The Limited, with Aldo heels to match.  However, it was also suggested that I look my best everywhere I go and "don't forget the heels!" For what, I ask. For what?)

Onto the next article.

In Demetria L Lucas and Tanisha A. Sykes's The Fabulous Single Girl's Summer Dating Guide, they include interviews with various women of different ages who are apparently dating divas of some sort. (Their number of regular dates is impressive.) 

I had high hopes for this one (Damn that "hope" word again!).  It really struck a chord and elicited some "Amens" from me as I read the opening: "Maybe you're tired of expecting to meet a good man whenever you go out, only to get back home without any new numbers."

"Yes! You get it!" I thought.

I continued reading only to discover the advice was not only stuff I'd already tried and hated, but also really obvious and at times, irrelevant (at least to me, at this point).  The advice:

1. "Go where the men are." No crap. I've gone where the men are.  Just last night, I went to PlayDate Raleigh.  There were hundreds of men! But, did I come home with any numbers or with giving out my number? Noooo!  Yeah, I scoped out some hot ones...especially Thrasher.  He was fine.  He also worked for PlayDate. (Thrasher was his codename...you use codenames on your nametags instead of your real ones.)  I got close to him several times during the large group games.  He bent over in front of me with his arms outstretched, trying to keep the crowd back so there was room for the players in the circle.  When his (cute) butt grazed me, my heart skipped a beat.  I also took that opportunity to smack it. (LOL...Just kidding.  I kind of wanted to though.) But really, I took that opportunity to bump into him on "accident".  He turned around with his fine self and I smiled and said, "Sorry." He just said, "Oh, that's ok." and turned right back around! WTF?!
2. "Date online." I've also done this.  E-harmony, Match.com, True.com, Chemistry.com, and most recently, OnlineBootyCall.com.  A male friend suggested it...Don't ask. (I deleted my account a few hours later.)
3. "Date to have fun."As for this one, well, I'd date to have fun, if I could FIND SOMEONE TO GO ON A DATE WITH! (And...breathe.)
4. "Don't limit yourself." I don't limit myself, but I do have standards, as you all well know.
5. "Flirt." I do.  I smile and laugh, pretend to bump into men so I can hopefully (damnit!) start a conversation with them.  Still nothing. (I'm gonna need more attractive men to grow some balls and approach me!)
6. "Date like a man."  And again, perhaps if I actually HAD(several) dates lined up, I could "date like a man"...at least until I found one I'd want to date exclusively.

I'm done with this whole "hope" thing.  It's so overrated. I'm done thinking that when I go out there's actually the potential for me to meet someone.

Every time my hopes are dashed and it's just too emotionally exhausting.

If I get the same results staying home as I do going out, I'll save the gas money, hair appointment cost, and cash for a new outfit on pizza and a movie on my couch.

To Love, or Never Love? That is the Question.

Ok, here's a question post for this week.

Is it really better to have loved and lost than never loved at all?

I know many people have strong feelings about one side or the other, so express them here and share why you feel this way.  If you're opinion falls somewhere in the middle, explain that too.  I'd really like to know your opinions on this one.

I've felt both ways at some point in my life:  EX: If you've never loved, you don't know what you're missing; on the other hand, do you think people who've never loved still yearn to love? 

Discuss.

No, I Don't Want Your Number. No, I Don't Wanna Give You Mine...But Damnit! I Did!

Mad TV Can I Have Your Number? - Awesome video clips here

This little anecdote goes along with last week's question post. 

So anyway, my car battery died Friday, June 26 (thankfully it died in my garage).  After returning home from a workshop (a friend came and got me) , I called roadside assitance and the tow truck man came and took me and Black Beauty (my 1997 black Honda Accord aka. my road dog or "ride-or-die-chick") to Wal-Mart's auto repair shop.

While waiting nervously for my car to be fixed (at that point I was still hoping it was just the battery, but B.B's old and it could've been the spark plugs, alternator, whatever...after all, my lights and stereo were still working), I looked up and noticed this dude giving me this "come hither" look---curving index finger and everything!

I looked behind me, and all around me for a few seconds before pointing at myself and saying, "Me?"

He nodded.

Now, I'd seen the man sitting there a few minutes before, but I could've sworn he was gay.  He had more of a feminine look: crossed legs with one arm outstretched and said arm's hand perched on one kneecap, pursed lips...stereotypical? Yes, but that's how he looked.

I reluctantly walked over to him and sat down.  I smiled and talked to him because I'm a nice person.(And I kept hearing the Essence article, "The Fabulous Single Girl's Summer Dating Guide" advising me not to shut down any guy, even if he's unattractive, because the fine lookin' brotha may be watching.  Apparently, the cute guy would feel he had a chance if the unattractive guy looked like he was getting some play. But, once again, I digress.)

We talked for a few minutes...uninteresting conversation. I surmised he was from somewhere in Africa because of his strong accent. (He was from Ghana.) Throughout, I gave clear body language signals: I sat as far away from him on the bench as possible, I gave short answers and didn't ask about him.  He didn't get it.  Fortunately, his car was fixed soon and he had to go, but before he left, he asked for my number. 

Back in the day I would've told him my name was Keisha and given him fake digits, but now dudes are gettin' sharp.  He said, "Put my number in your phone, and when you get out the club girl call me up"...LOL! Ok, so he didn't say the last half of that, but he did tell me to call his number so he could have mine.

Damn!  Foiled again!  I obliged though, just in case Fine Brotha was waitin' in the wings.

He called me the next day.  I didn't answer.

Then, he texted me, the same day.  I didn't respond.

He has CONTINUOUSLY called and texted me (and I have NEVER responded)...sometimes more than once a day...since that fateful day at Wal-Mart, and he always leaves the same message: "Hi, Still Single. This is Baba*.  Call me when you get this. I need to talk to you. All right, bye." (What could he possibly need to talk to me about?)

I'm not trying to be mean, but dude! Get a freakin' clue! STOP CALLING ME!!!  See where niceness gets you? And where was Baby after all that?  Next time, he better be there and swoop in like Hitch on some hero ish.

I know, I know.  I'm being passive aggressive, or doing "the fade" as I heard it called on another blog today.  But, I don't owe him a response. We never went out, etc.  I just don't like turning people down out loud, to their face. It just makes me feel mean.

Anybody know how to block numbers on Verizon? (OMG! He's calling again!)

*Name has been changed to protect the annoying...it does rhyme with Baba though.

Seek and Ye Shall Find

Or is it, don't seek and ye shall be found?

According to my friends and family, it's the latter of the two.  "Stop looking," they say.  "You'll find him when you least expect it."

Ahhh yes, more advice from the non-singles, the couples who have proclaimed themselves experts on being single (something sound not quite right here?), who apparently just happened to accidentally meet each other while they were not looking.  (No matter that they were in the same high school classes and flirted with each other all year, or that a mutual friend set them up on a blind date, or they met in their apartment complex.   That can't be considered looking.  Scoping out the cute guys in class, talking to your friend about how being single sucks and you can never meet anyone so she hooks you up, and taking a walk around your neighborhood knowing there's a possibility of meeting someone, can't possibly be considered looking. I hope you hear the sarcasm with which that sentence is saturated.)

But, how, I ask, can you find something when you're not looking for it...a bit of an oxymoron, don't you think? 

I hate those sappy movies about how boy meets girl when girl trips over pothole in the middle of the street and boy saves her (she obviously wasn't looking), or how boy actually approaches girl sitting alone reading in a bar, cafe, whatever. (I cannot tell you how many times I've gone to Barnes & Noble... by myself, or bought groceries...again, by myself. Nothing. Ever. Happens.

It's not as if I spend every waking minute of my life looking for a man. (I defintitely don't look around my house and guess what? He's not in there either! So much for the "you'll find him when you're not looking" adage.) But purposely not looking for something you're trying to find? Yeah, don't get it.

I can't help it.  When I go out anywhere---to the bookstore, the grocery store, the park, wherever---in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "This could possibly be the day that I meet someone." Hence, why I make sure I look my best wherever I go. (Perhaps it's my way of struggling to stay optimistic.)

Yesterday, I stumbled upon this site called First 30 Days that dedicates itself to helping people change aspects of their lives, or at least start on the path to change in, you guessed it, 30 days.

Naturally, I clicked on the "Finding Romance" link.  Hmmm...find romance in 30 days? (Yeah, right, but I'll see what you have to say.)

In the article Sparking Up a New Romance, the relationship guru actually suggests searching. (What a novel idea!  You mean I was right all along, I do have to look in order to find?)  Nancy Slotnick, CEO of Cablight.com, who was interviewed in this article says, "You have to spend time searching.  I recommend my clients spend 15 hours a week on their search." (Damn! That's a part-time job right there!)  Then, the article goes on to discuss several different ways to meet potential dates...many of which I've attempted, and not been successful...obviously...but, I digress.

Alas, I might go out tonight to this poetry slam/juke joint thing with a friend.  I imagine I'll get all dolled up and still not meet a single, attractive, unattatched man. 

If I go with that expectation, does that mean I'm not looking, or because I'm going out at all, does that mean I am looking?  Oh, I'm so confused! (LOL)

So, what do you think? Will love magically appear when you're not looking/least expect it, or do you have to actually make an effort and let potential partners know you're alive?

Budget Friendly Vacay Tips for the Single Girl

You need a vacation.

Every Monday, you’re counting down the days until Friday, your boss is stressing you out over nonsense, and if a client cusses you out one more time, you just might lose your job.

You know you need a vacation. A person can only take so much…

You keep trudging to work though, sour attitude and all, all because you think, “Vacation? Ha! I can’t afford a vacation!” (I don’t have two incomes, remember?)

But…indeed you can! Here are some tips to make sure you get the relaxation you need (for the sake of yourself, your co-workers, and your clients).

1. Location, Location, Location

Whether it’s a beach, an historical sightseeing expedition, or Vegas, make sure it’s somewhere you want to go.  Nothing ruins a trip more than deciding on a place for the sheer fact that it’s the cheapest.  There are several deals available for many of the popular travel destinations.  Also, since you’re single, it wouldn’t hurt to pick a place with lots of eye candy, too! J

2. Don’t Go Alone

Not only is it more fun to go on a trip with friends (who doesn’t love a road trip?), it’s also more economical.  Even if you only go with two to three people, you’re saving significantly more than you would if you went by yourself.  You can split meals, hotel rooms, and travel (gas, rental car, etc.).  You may even be able to score a group rate for airfare and hotel stay if your group is large enough.

3. Stay in a Swanky Hotel

Stop right there, don’t say anything, because I already know what you’re thinking: “Swanky? I thought this was about saving money? I don’t have a ‘swanky’ bank account!” You’re right. You probably don’t have enough money to stay in a ritzy five-star hotel…at full price.  However, services such as Hotwire.com and Priceline.com offer steeply slashed prices that will work with just about any wallet.

4. Eat ‘Till Your Heart’s (and Wallet’s) Content

The added expense of going on vacation, besides hotel and travel, is of course, food.  So, before you decide to dine in the restaurant of the five-star hotel you landed, visit RetailMeKnot.com.  This discount shopping site is known for its retail store coupons; however, they also provide a way for you to look up restaurants in your location’s zip code.  Simply type in a term such as “sushi” and printable coupons will be generated for use at a nearby restaurant. 

5. Do Your Homework

A plethora of discounts are just waiting for you to discover them.  Here are just a few.

Hotwire.com

Priceline.com

RetailMeNot.com

BudgetTravel.com

Why You All in My Grill?

Apparently, we need a spin-off of Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo's book, He's Just Not That into You, because men can be a little slow too.  Case in point:

A friend of mine recently asked me why men just don't seem to understand when a woman is "just not that into" him.  A man (whom she randomly met while running errands) continues to call and text her, even though she never answers his calls and never returns his calls/texts. 

What's his deal? Why doesn't he get it?

Should she get over her passive-aggressive ways, and just be blunt with him (even if it hurts his feelings), or should she just continue to ignore him and pray he goes away?

How do you/would you all handle this situation? Discuss.

It's Just a Pile of...(I'll Let You Complete That One)

Last summer, again, trying to "get over the stigma and join a service, already," I decided to sign up with "It's Just Lunch" (IJL).  I saw it on Oprah and figured it was worth a shot...I mean, if it was on Oprah...

I was excited. You know, trying something new, doing the whole traveling on the journey of life thing.  The "matchmaker," as IJL calls them, (who is really nothing more than some random person who gives you a superficial questionnaire about your likes/dislikes...I was never asked any in-depth questions about what I find physically appealing in a man, what personalities I'm attracted to...nothing) promised me that she had a huge portfolio of attractive, professional, Black men who met my standards (there's that word again).

Shoot! Where do I sign?

I'd been looking everywhere...sports bars, bookstores, work...but all along, you had them all? Sweet!

So, I signed up (after coughing up the $100 sign up fee and agreeing to pay $100 each month for them to set me up on blind dates...with "good-looking, professional men").

Too good to be true?

Of course it was.

I got a call about my first date about four days after my "interview".  My "matchmaker" described him as follows:

• Black man
• Engineer
• 30 years old
• Extremely funny

She then went on to assure me that we shared interests such as movies, music, long walks in the park, etc...the normal stuff.  I asked her if she thought he was cute.  She hesitated, "Yes." (I hoped the hesitation didn't mean she was lying...why would she? It's her job to try and make a love, or at least like, connection.) I asked again, "Are you sure?" She said, emphatically this time, "Yes!"    

I arrived at the restaurant for our date and saw another Black man...the only one in the whole place...and he was not, well, what I expected. (I prayed it wasn't him. Don't even try and call me shallow...let's be real, physical attraction is important. If the thought of tounging him down triggers your gag reflex, let's just say, you're probably not going to get too far romantically.)

My prayers went unanswered. (C'mon, God! Help me out down here!)

To make it even worse, the "matchmaker" had lied about a few other things:

1. He was not an engineer (he just repaired broken computers...which is a good job, but the point is, the lady lied).
2. He definitely wasn't 30 years old, either! (Forty-five? Maybe. But 30? Ummm....no.)

Needless to say, I was pissed. I paid $100 for them to send me out on a date with some guy who had practically NONE of what I told them I looked for in a man! (Not the personality, the likes/dislikes...NOTHING!!! He was not even funny! 'Matter of fact, he seemed a bit socially awkward.)

After hastily finishing my salad (and I LOVE to eat...but salad was the quickest way outta there) and making the 45 minute drive back home, I visited some websites with customer feedback on IJL from all over the country. The majority of the comments were negative. (Why didn't I read those before I signed that contract?!) So, I left my own little two paragraph comment of my experience.

The next day, the owner of the local IJL office called me...with an attitude (poor matching skills and poor customer service...what a gem!).  He said I was "ruining his business" by well, telling the truth. (By the way, he must stalk those feedback sites or something...) 

I told him that everything I wrote was true. And...after, I'd told him that he needed to calm himself down and that I would not listen to him if he kept speaking to me in that tone, he asked me to give them one more chance, and if I wasn't happy, he'd let me out of my contract.

Second chance came.

Not happy.

There ended my relationship with IJL.

"Get over it and join a service?"

No. Way.

Especially not that one!

What dating services, (online or otherwise) if any, have you tried?

What was your experience?

I Don't Have Two Incomes, Remember?

BUT, I do have...

1. ...rent/a mortgage (and no roomate to split it with).

2. ...a car payment (and all of the lovely expenses associated with said car...insurance, gas, repairs, taxes, did I mention gas, and yeah, gas).

3. ...bills. (Electricity and water are necessities for everyone.  Netflix and digital cable are not...when you have someone else at home to talk to and keep you entertained...a luxury I don't have, hence, the extra bill.)

4. ...debt (college loans...yeah, I paid more for a year of college than I make in a year of teaching...multiply that by four years, add on some grad school...you can do the math).

5. ...an appetite. (It's not practical to buy single servings.  I usually spend $100 or more every few weeks, and waste at least half of that money when food goes bad before it can be eaten by one person.)

6. ...a pet. (My dog needs to eat, go to the vet, and be insured...just like a child. Where's my child tax credit? LOL)

7. ...medical expenses. (Single people get sick too, and we have to pick up our own medicine, drive ourselves to the doctor, fix our own soup, and tuck ourselves into bed...after chastising ourselves for getting out of bed when we're sick in the first place. Yeah, we do a lot of talking to ourselves. :) )

8. ...random living expenses. (There's something every month: clothes, hair appt., home improvements, etc.)

9. ...a life. (Or some semblance of one...I would like to stay as sane as possible...can't afford those extra doctor bills.)  I like to eat out, go to the movies, buy myself a gift (no one else to do that for me), and go on vacation...although, those are few and far between.

10. ...no money. (By the third day of the month, I'm broke.)

Completely.

(You thought I was going to say, "by the end of the month," didn't you? Not so lucky.) Oh wait, no one at home to care.

*This post was submitted by "Just Erin" (a fellow single girl pushing (almost) thirty).

What do you have to deal with that your coupled friends don't?  Comment below!

Still Single's 18 Favorite "I'm Having a Momentary Breakdown" Songs

Don't lie.  You know you've had your moments.

You return home from a long day of work, only to be greeted by an empty house, a dinner-for-one,  and your usual nightly TV lineup.  You wanna cry...hard. It's especially worse if it's any kind of holiday.

Next time you feel that urge to cry, go ahead and do it...it's healthy. But then, sit back and play this soundtrack, of sorts.  Why cry alone, right? (Plus, I always find that knowing other people feel worse than me, cheers me right on up! LOL)

These songs, which aren't necessarily about being single, but more-so about breaking-up (which, of course, leads to being single) and loving the wrong guy/girl, always seem to get me through a particularly frustrating day of singledom. 

So, dry those tears, blast these songs and realize someone else feels way worse than you.

1. One Last Cry (Brian McKnight)

2. Unbreak My Heart (Toni Braxton)

3. I Wish I Wasn't (Heather Headley)

4. Crave (Marc Dorsey)

5. Cry (Kelly Clarkson)

6. I Don't Want To (Toni Braxton)

7. Have You Ever (Brandy)

8. Anytime (Brian McKnight)

9. Everytime (Britney Spears)

10. Say Goodbye (Ashlee Simpson)

11. Lately (Stevie Wonder)

12. I Give, You Take (Maria)

13. Emotion (Destiny's Child)

14. Nobody Knows (Tony Rich Project)

15. Broken-Hearted Girl (Beyonce)

16. Nothing (Brandy)

17. All at Once (Whitney Houston)

18. Cry (Faith Hill)

What are some songs you'd add to the list?

Post them in a comment!